cats are like kanye

and other things industry pros taught me

sometimes you just wanna drive.

sometimes the pretty girl with the dirty dreams and the filthy texts that sound like whispers finds someone newer younger closer and willing to put up with her demands

and the late night bleep bloop messages dry up.

so you drive.

you end up in west covina and then south pass, then pass, and you find yourself with two young chicanos with giant coffee containers in your back seat and if they spill they spill because who. even. cares. any more.

at first neither wanted to talk much which was scary because we were heading clear across LA to venice where i was dropping them off at music video shoot where they were gonna probably do a 12 hour day. they were saving their energy.

big guys name was earl. mustache man was jeff.

gaffers or best boys or some shit, who even cared. are we our jobs? if so am i nobody? did my taxes yesterday and my tax lady was all, i expected you to be famous by now.

i wanted to be famous you think id be driving uber, i asked her

she said dont you have dreams?

i said, my dream is to be good enough to make it to Heaven one day and maybe kiss one or two more loose women before i croak.

boy did she laugh.

while earl was texing, jeff and i started talking about his favorite jobs on music video sets.

once i did a kanye shoot and he paid us all in cash at the end, he said.

Ye did what?

well not him specifically, his guy, jeff clarified.

kanye’s guy was a wizard with money, jeff continued. if he asked how much we owe you, and you said $400, he'd hand you smaller stack of $20s like he was cutting a deck of cards. and it'd be exactly what they owed you. he wouldn't even count it.

did you count it in front of him?

most definately, jeff said, and it was right. every time. the next guy said something like $280 and kanye's guy cut the stack, held it out and it was $280 on the nose.

that sounds amazing, i said.

not really earl chimed in. kanye hates taking direction, he groaned. so if you say mr west can we have you stand on that x on the floor, you know, where we blocked it, where the lights are set and the cameras are locked in? he'd stand like 10 feet to the left or right and wouldn't move. we'd have to re-set.

i didn't mind that, jeff said, more OT for me!

the men laughed.

so what the hells a gaffer i asked, forgetting which one said they did that.

i am, earl said proudly.

is that like the guy who everyone sends on errands?

no, that's the PA, the gaffer is the electrician, he told me.

ooooooo. ok, so are you the bitch boy at the bottom or the boss at the top?

jerry said, he's not the bitch boy, that's for sure.

so youre the top guy? youre so young!

he's good!

ok earl, have you ever been shocked?

sure. everyone gets shocked. especially when youre starting off.

he told me sometimes the crew will set up a situation where they intentionally have a guy touch a wire he thinks is grounded, but its hot, and when he yelps everyone claps and chants his name.

it’s all part of the hazing, i guess youd call it, earl said, smiling for some reason. had he just done that to someone?

and it's not strong enough to kill ya, jerry piped in. he used to be a gaffer before he moved over to audio.

oh shit, youre the perfect person for me to ask this to, i said. here we are riding in a tesla. id love to set up a home charging setup in the garage in the back of my apartment. could i pay you to do that for me?

nah. totally different world, earl said.

isnt it all electricity i asked

are all women the same? earl fired back.

touche my friend.

we all laughed as we trekked through the 134 to the 2 to the spill out in echo park, bypassing the heavy traffic in downtown LA, creeping along side streets on our way to the 10.

i was lost in thought thinking about how boring life would be if all women were the same when jeff asked me if i liked driving for lyft because he was thinking about doing it because a lot of productions are going to georgia and canada and new mexico and some months are sorta dead. which is why they do so many music video shoots, which can be long days but at least its work.

i love driving, i told them, and i'll tell you what, if you ever get serious that you want to drive for either uber or lyft, text me first, i'll send you my code and whatever bonus they give me for signing you up, i'll split it with you and you can call me any time you want for tips or questions.

there was a stack of cards in my glove box. i handed each of them one. a waste of money. no one ever texts be Before they sign up, if they text it's always after, when it's too late, they signed up without my number, neither of us gets a bonus and of course they have a million questions, of which im reluctant to answer because why am i coaching you for free?

but i do. because im nice. despite my heart being full of anger.

so tell me a good story boys. i asked them. tell me about working late hours with all these hip hoppers and scantilly-dressed dancers. tell me about the drugs and bottles and couches sparking little fires you gotta put out.

they scoffed and said, the things that interest us on the set arent the things youd care about.

like what? what do you love on set?

the food, jerry said. earl agreed. sometimes you'll get there and it's a generic deli tray with carrots and a sad pineapple, he said. but sometimes they have like a whole espresso station and a food truck that's hummin all night. you never really know, even if you've worked for that guy before.

earl chimed in: one thing that's always tricky is when there's an animal on set.

like what kind of animal? i asked.

i was just telling jerry about this shoot i was on at SoFi where they had a horse in the fancy restaurant there.

it was for Sunday Night Football and it was the Broncos against the Rams. and they wanted one of the pregame announcers to get on the horse and ride it like 50 feet through the stadium and into the restaurant where the other announcers were around the table. but someone from the stadium was paranoid the horse might take a shit in the high end restaurant.

see id be more worried about him taking one of those super long leaks, i said.

they were worried about that too. we broke for about an hour so they could huddle up before they brought the horse upstairs because they wanted to have a stack of towels and mops and PAs and disinfectant in case the horse did the worst thing imaginable.

so did the horse shit?

the horse did not shit. the horse got in the elevator. got to his mark. whoever the guy was got on him, they walked the 50 feet. one take. done.

all that worry for nothing! i said.

no, they were right to worry. some animals freak out around the lights and all the people. cats are the worst, earl told me. cats are like kanye.

don't listen to anyone who says they have trained cats, he said. ive seen what was supposed to be Hollywood's greatest cat actor completely ignore the laser pen light or the treats or its trainer and just look at the camera with a huge fuck you sneer on its face.

omg, i gasped thinking about my own two cats who have mastered that sneer.

yeah, it was funny at first but after a while it got annoying.

jerry chimed in, honestly cats are the most useless creatures. dude, ive been on a set with penguins. all you gotta do is put a fish on fishing pole and the penguin will waddle whereever you want.

cats will lick their crotch if it doesn't want to move and you can’t make them.

and dogs, earl pounced in, sometimes a dog will be too smart or get too full, too fast. we were shooting a dog food commercial and after like five takes the dog wasn't attacking the dog food in the bowl the way the director wanted, so the AD spent a half hour trying to make the dog puke so he'd be hungry again.

but when he hurled, this fucking dog started eating the puke.

NO! I screamed.

both guys laughed and laughed. and then we were in santa monica. then we were in venice. and then i was in front of a beach side set with big booty dancers and a food truck and a coffee stand and i said to myself, those boys gonna be happy tonight.

like me.